DASHED AWAY

Dashed Away.

(Try to read this as if I were talking to you.)

 There was a time when, I knew that I had family that loved me. Now I can not say with a 100% assurance that they still do, but in some small way shape or form, they’re still my family. This brings me to air out an issue with somebody who used to be my favorite person in the world. Well………actually second to my grandmother. My aunt.

 It’s been 7 long years, since I’ve been in contact with her, and yet I know nothing of her. No knowledge of health, home, or family. This person, as I mentioned before was put on a pedestal that was higher than my own mother. In short I cared for her more than I did for my own mother. I looked at her as the person who had my best interests in the front of her mind. I trusted everything she said, and never bothered to complain, or question anything. That was a mistake, on my behalf. It still feels like one of those moments were it is said, “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.” Unfortunately, when you have a bunch of sneaky women in your family, and you’re basically the only male around for miles, you kind of just have to fall into place with things.

 Now getting back to my aunt, who is the primary focus of the rant. I need to just say a few things, that to this very day, still have me perplexed. Now let’s see, in 2006 my daughter was born, and you and my mother were all happy for me, and were anxious to see her for the first time. Hugs and kisses were exchanged all around, but behind all of the fake smiles and jokes there was a plot brewing. A scheme to move into the apartment where my grandmother and I used to live. I still don’t understand why you didn’t just let me in on what you wanted to do. I had to move out due to the birth of my daughter anyway, and all you needed to do was just pull me to the side, and explain what you had in mind, but instead you plotted, on an apartment that essentially would be empty when your mother died. But you know what, it goes deeper than the apartment, there was something else there. Something I don’t clearly know about, and more or less and mostly likely I will never know. So with that said, I wonder why? Why stab me in the back, when I tried to help you get the same apartment? Why threaten to have my daughter taken away from me, if I ever left the state? Why call me for weeks on end to have me pick up a TV, so that when I come by to get it, you don’t want me to take it? Then further, why bother to put a restraining order against me and don’t have the decency to even show up to court? Who does that? I mean seriously?

 All those questions lead to you and your character. How can someone who I loved and trusted for all of my life just turn their back and betray me like the way you did? What was the sole purpose for all of the bullshit? I sit here, and as I write this, I go over & over & over all of the events that took place, and for the life of me, I still can’t figure it out. Where did I go wrong? I mean how much of a bastard was I to deserve this? From you? First off my daughter never did anything, but make everyone happy, and bring a smile to everybody’s faces. She was the ONE person my grandmother waited to see before she died, and all you could do was threaten to have her taken away from me. Yes I’m reiterating it, because it bothers me that damn much! I’ve basically vowed not to speak with you, or even let you come near my baby girl, and of course you then caught flak from your superiors after the fact. Personally I’m not sorry about that. You messed with the wrong person when it came down to threatening the lively hood of my daughter. There was no reason for what you said to me that day, and the reaction that came behind it was warranted.

 I have moved on so to speak, not forgetting, or really forgiving, after all these years. I don’t think about you much, but recently I’ve come across the inner workings of some struggles, and you seem to be branch of a demented tree that needs to be cut down. So here I am, airing it out. I know that I’m not perfect by any means, but I am still here. My daughter, and son, and spouse still LOVE me. They picked up where you left off. I think it was around the time where you wished me dead, and prayed that, “Someone would find me dead on the side of the road”. OH, and lets not forget the icing on the cake, where you were going to do whatever you could in your power to have my daughter taken away from me, and put my son in a foster home. (Yes still harping on this!!) Well we see how that worked out don’t we? That transfer to a different department worked wonders for you didn’t it?  So look, I’m not looking to get even, or even go as far as to say, “I’m gonna get you back.” I actually don’t care enough anymore. Apparently you were in a place that was clearly corrupted, and just couldn’t find the mental capacity to pull yourself away from the idiocy that kept falling from your mouth. Fine.

 So I’ll be the bigger person here at this junction to say I forgive you. I understand that there was obviously something going on in your life so deep that, it influenced a completely unknown evil to come forth from within you. You were not in control. Plain and simple. You weren’t. The woman who I used to know, would never pull me into court for, “Shits & Giggles”. Nor would she try to take away her nephew’s first born child. In fact all of the above mentioned, I honestly think would’ve never happened, if you were in a better place. So like I said, I forgive you for all that you’ve done, and said. At some point in the future the family can come back together, and Lorraine can go back to being my aunt again. Until then, i will remain the man who lived a foolish life led by women who constantly had ulterior motives to everything that their lives touched. I’m out. 

Footprints

 Where do I start? It’s been 8 years that we’ve been together, and it has been very rocky to say the least. The climb to get here wasn’t easy, nor simple. There have been issues, problems, wants, needs, desires, fulfillment, and let downs. To say the least we’ve been through more than a 10 year married couple. We created a child who loves us unconditionally, and is happy to see us both everyday. There is a young man who is very sensitive, but will stick by you all the time. I have been the one thing that is wrong in this relationship. Constantly wrong. I have done you wrong, in various ways, and thought nothing of it. I looked at you as a partner, but treated you like a bastard child. The internet provided a way for my inner self to be exposed to the world, and especially you.

Airing It Out. (The subtle thoughts of a Man Apart)

  So, where to begin? It’s been a long time since everything went wrong back in 2005. This man named Todd Clifton Beazer used to be a friend of mine from waaaaay back in the day. We chilled together. We went bike riding together. We sat up to all hours of the night watching Kung-Fu flicks and what not. But all that has been tossed to the side. Thrown under the bus. Plainly kicked to the curb for the sake of one thing. Pussy….yes the one thing that was always on Todd’s mind. It may sound harsh, slightly mean, but the truth is the truth. This was/is a man who would have sex with his boy’s girlfriend and not think twice about it. Hell this is the same man who’s had sex with two thirds of the women in one family. (That shit is still crazy. But, Kudos.) And that type of shit only happens in the movies. Or at least I thought. But not to sound like a true hater, I have always given him credit for his awesome disappearing acts, and feats of sheer impossibility. I mean those few times where the girls/females/women he was going out with found out about each other, came to the block looking for him, and he would magically vanish to leave them scratching their heads and red with frustration, was classic. Then some way some how he’d manage to come back after everyone left, like nothing happened. You would’ve thought he’d be hiding around the corner keeping tabs on the situation. Nope. Just disappear off the block to go be with another chick, while the others hashed it out in his glorious absence. LOL!! I don’t mean to laugh too hard. There are plenty of times where I felt bad for those who were left to die in the wake of the Beazer Tidal Wave. A moment of silence for those who perished. (Brief pause.) And we’re back. Now there’s an old saying, Hindsight is 20 20. You know what that means right? Basically everything that took place around you and I should have been tell tale signs of what was coming. Still don’t get it? Alright here’s an example. Back around 2004 through 2005, I had noticed you were becoming very distant. You wouldn’t come around as much. You seemed to make sure you had somewhere to go when you saw me coming up the block.

Hell, you even stop letting me know what chick you had added to your ever growing Wilt Chamberlain Wanna-be list. You know what…….. Let’s go back even further. How about when me, and Irene were going’ through our shit, and she went to you crying. Tears streaming down her face, telling you that she and I had a real bad argument, and what did you do? What did Todd Beazer do? Pull a moment from the Novelas, and console her with his dick. Yeah you fucked her. On more than one occasion I might add. I mean that was something I have never done, with any of the numerous females, which came calling to me asking why did Todd cheat? Where is he? Who is he with? Like your boy that I was, I covered for you. I smoothed it out so well, that after they found out, about what you did they still went back to you. Yes, I used to do that, but what did I get? My own peeps, that I knew for at least 12 years before Irene even came into the picture, does me dirty. Well the only positive (Funny is a better word.) out of that was by her own admission, she said and I quote, “The sex was done, and over before I even had a chance to wipe the tears from my face.” Wow. Hmm….. (Moment of reflection perhaps) I guess you were true to your mantra of the 5 Minute Thrashing huh? So getting back to the point of “Hindsight”. With you having sex with my girl at the time, you distancing yourself from me, not really chilling with me too tough. Those events should have better prepared me for you greatest plan ever. Destroying an already damaged family. C’mon don’t have that Scooby-Doo look on your face. You knew what you were planning. OK, OK. Your position is one of two right now. 1. You’re in complete denial. Or….. 2. You know what I’m talking about and you’re like, “Yeah I did it, so?” in the face. Depending on who is reading this, I’m going to go with position number 1. So….let me explain. You ready? Pay attention. Now, back in 2004 you had a profile on Black Planet. Single. (Lie) No kids. (Seriously?!? You were still denying that Kobe was your daughter?!?) Looking to settle down. (Whoa! Major Bullshit!!) And Diane saw your profile. You to communicated for about a month or so and finally sealed the deal around January of 2005. She’s doing well for herself. Great job, great money all the good shit. Right? She gives you one of her cell phones, to basically keep in contact with you. Because we all know Todd was the type to NEVER be found. Right? LOL. Anyway… what happens next? He does only what Todd would do.What you don’t know? You gave the number to all the women you had been sleeping with. OMG!! That was classic!

So the woman, who you told that you were single, had no kids, and was looking to be with one person, now had the names and numbers of every chick you were fuckin’ at the time. And then the Shit Hit The Fan!! Hard!!! You were blown up to Avery, Tameka, Kori, Michelle (the ugly chick from Binghamton), and a few others. All on Valentine’s Day too. Damn, I know that was a major blow to your ego. But the funny thing is, is that I knew nothing about it. (This goes back to distancing yourself from me bit.) I couldn’t help, or say anything about it. I was completely in the dark. Now moving forward. Obviously after finding out about your indiscretions, she dumped you, embarrassed you in front of all your peers. (Friends) And you had no choice but to move on. Kick rocks son. But luckily for you, SHE decided to keep you around. For shits, and giggles. Now, this is where I come into play. After everything was said and done, Kyri was the one who introduced me to her. Hmmm?!? Didn’t realize that did you? He told me that she had a good job, had two cars, two phones, and was going to take care of him. (Him meaning Todd) But it stopped right there. No more descriptions, no more hype up about this woman. No more info. Ok….so I was like alright then. Good for him. I saw her on the block with you and Sakinah, we greeted, and I kept it moving. Now let me ask you something. Did you not realize that you single handedly put Diane in my hands? Now I know you’re like WTF is he talking about?!? Think about it for a second. In 2005 I bought Midnight Club, Dub Edition for the PS2. You came by the crib around 9:40 at night on the same cell phone that got you in trouble in the first place, arguing with Diane. You walked in literally just handed me the cell, and said “Yo Law talk this chick, I can’t deal with it right now.” I had no clue who I was getting on the phone with. I talked with her for about 10 minutes, and handed you the phone. You said and I quote, “Naw, man fuck that, talk to her I can’t be bothered!” OK……so I stayed on the phone until it died 15 minutes later. Right before dying she asked for the house number to try to talk to you again. You being mad, talked for about 2 minutes, hung up, and continued playing the game. After about 5 minutes or so, I asked what was the deal with her?

You plainly said, “We used to go out, but we broke up on some bullshit, and she was getting’ in my head about something I did before.” I was like, “OK, y’all still good, or is it over and you need to walk away?”

Your response was, “I’m done with her, and I’m with a new chick anyway.” Aight then. So said so done. Now a month or so went by, and during that time I found out through word of mouth that, Preston was trying to holla at her. Or basically he had been talking to her, since before that night she came to the block to cut you. This was back in February. (Why you didn’t get mad at him is beyond me.) Now even with you giving him the OK to go ahead and do what he wanted with Diane, she and I conversed from time to time. Still talking about you and how I know you, and shit like that. Mind you with talking with her for about a month (April to May) we never hooked up or anything. Just talked. Oh, by the way I really appreciated being spoken about like I was trash or something. I mean, you have the nerve to tell someone that I can’t handle money?!? Really? This coming from someone who lost a stock boy job, because he fucked his man ager, as well as another employee, in the store, then got caught by the manager. All under a 3 week time frame. And has had a hard time holding down a job since. Dumbass. See what I mean about the whole Pussy on your mind thing? But anyway, it was brought to my attention that you said that I got with Diane as revenge for Irene. Now personally, whatever you did with Irene meant nothing to me. You fucked her a few times, and you got caught by Sakinah when she was giving you head in her living room. Most men would be ashamed to even cop to that fact. Me, all I can say is this. You remember Irene had a small mouth, right? So giving you head wasn’t really a BIG deal, and as far as you fucking her……….how can I put it? Let’s say it like this, if you have sex with her….let’s say 5 times. At five minutes each session, that equals 25 minutes, your total fuck time would equate to a quickie for me. See, means nothing to me.

Now let’s get to the real reason why I can’t consider a friendship with you ever. For a man who has never really applied himself to anything other than borrowing money from one chick to see his cousin in the Bronx.

(AKA going to fuck another chick.)

Or strive to set a personal record of having sex with at least 500 women before he hit 30. (I can only imagine what that number is now.) How did he manage to destroy an already fragile relationship among the German family? I mean when did he plan the time to go snitch, and repeatedly throw dirt on my and Diane’s names?

It wasn’t enough that when Diane told you about her past before she had her son, and what adversities she’d overcome, you let the whole the world know about it. So you believed strongly enough that I was getting back at you for being with Irene, right? Or is it, something more complex? Here’s my scenario. It makes perfect sense. Pay Close Attention.

Todd has ALWAYS been the Pretty Boy. Nice hair, attractive face, big build, all the things a girl would want, and no homo it, worked for him on numerous occasions I might add. I never hated on the man for looking the way he did. As a matter of fact if he really knew what he was doing he’d be in better shape now, but that’s beside the point. Now I have ALWAYS been the straight faced unapproachable looking black guy of the crew. Slightly chubby, kind of mean looking, but a great guy once you got to know me. I think there was a hint of jealousy involved. (Aka Haterism) Here’s one example. When I went into the Military and came back from all of my training, I had lost like 60pds and was in great shape. Better than Todd. There was a time where he came by the crib (while I was on 100^th street) and saw me doing push-ups. He asked why I was doing push-ups. I told him to keep in shape. Most of our friends were outside at the moment, and I was going to go outside with no shirt on. (A moment I was proud of.) And what did he do? He asked me ‘Why am I outside with no shirt on?” Mind you it was summer time. To him I was now a threat to his greatness, his shine. That was then. Now as far as Diane is concerned, I believe you felt that why should Law be able to get with her? Especially after ALL of the dirt you threw on my name. I mean I guess I can understand a little. In your conversations with Diane, you told lie, after lie, after lie about me, basically making me completely unattractive to her. That was your mistake. In talking so much shit about me, you made her want to find out why I was, who you said I was. Thank You for that. See you put her right into my hands. Again.

So with that said, you went on to assassinate my name. You went to my mother not once, but twice to dish out dirt. You went out of your way to embarrass, and talk shit about me to my mother, sister, aunts, cousin, grandmother, and grandmother’s home attendant. Who does that? Who pulls a Bitch move like that? You had a beef with me you should have Manned Up and said something to me. Not go to my family, like a coward.

But you know what, in really thinking about it all, I guess you were kind of like a woman scorned. Being that you really liked Diane, and then it came down to me not actually coming to you, and asking if you if I could talk to her, you felt some sort of way. I mean Preston asked you secretly, and you plainly put it out there that she was a “Free Agent”, so he could do what he wanted with her. So I guess I should have done the same? But on the flip side of that, you never even considered to come to me when you wanted to get your dick sucked by Irene. She was my Ex too you know.

You don’t even realize that doing what you did, when you did, and how often you did it, broke apart an already damaged family. You knew for years that my mother and I really never saw eye to eye, and you used that and basically got me disowned by my entire family. I can’t even talk to Charmaine because of you. So much bullshit my uncle Chris had to come from South Carolina to see what was good. And to make matters worse, all the hate, and bull shit you spit to Grace, made her pull the ultimate hate move. Because of you, Grace refused to acknowledge her only grand-daughter. In her mind, my daughter doesn’t exist. For that I Thank You. Diane thanks you. My dead grandmother thanks you. You have officially been dubbed Asshole of the Century. Go forth and spread your shit where ever your feet may take you. Oh, you can drive now right? Even better for spreading that oh so famous Seed of Beazer.

You know, for years I watched you go out with numerous girls, one right after the other. Without a care in the world, breaking hearts and taking names. I said to myself, “He’ll grow out of it.” I then watched you deny that you got Avery pregnant, and further deny that Kobe was your daughter. For six long months, I said to myself, “He’ll bounce back and be a good father.”

Since 2008 I watched you pop up by the 103^rd street train station with a different chick every time, hugging and kissing and whatnot. I said to myself, “Isn’t he going out with Lisette’s friend Jennifer?” “He might cut it out and settle down, she’ll be able to make him do it.” So said so done, you were, and still are The Greatest Piece of Shit of All Time. I mean you gotta know at some point that you know you’re an Asshole. Plain and simple, and there are no two ways about it. The growing up, and being a mature individual is obviously way beyond your grasp.

For your sake I hope that while you walk around Jennifer’s crib and lay up in her bed, with her Yorkie, you are keeping her in mind. Not the chick you met at the train station a few days ago, or the girl from 101^st that had a crush on you, sooooo you decided to play kissy face with her. Grow up my Nigga. You’ve wasted sooooo much of your life being a dick. Why don’t you waist the rest of your life being a man. You can probably add Father to that list too. Someday.

Just so you know I’m done. Don’t walk up to me, don’t try to give me a pound, don’t even shout my name.

With this letter I have moved on. The saying is Forgive and Forget. I will Forgive you for what you have done to me and my family. I will also Forgive you for the times you took it upon yourself to have sex with my ex-girlfriend/ex-wife Irene. That just means I need to forgive her too. But unfortunately I will not Forget the type of person who you’ve turned out to be. It just makes me not want to follow your way of doing things.

I unlike you, have a daughter that loves, and lives with me. Along with a son and woman who you scorned, but ultimately Thanks You for so subtly introducing us. Life hasn’t been all roses, but it has been good, and well worth it. I like many people have come face to face with my demons, and have learned to deal with them in time. I suggest you get your head of out of your ass, and live your life like a respectable individual. The way your mother would have wanted it.

Fin.