Where do I start? It’s been 8 years that we’ve been together, and it has been very rocky to say the least. The climb to get here wasn’t easy, nor simple. There have been issues, problems, wants, needs, desires, fulfillment, and let downs. To say the least we’ve been through more than a 10 year married couple. We created a child who loves us unconditionally, and is happy to see us both everyday. There is a young man who is very sensitive, but will stick by you all the time. I have been the one thing that is wrong in this relationship. Constantly wrong. I have done you wrong, in various ways, and thought nothing of it. I looked at you as a partner, but treated you like a bastard child. The internet provided a way for my inner self to be exposed to the world, and especially you.
The words I’ve said to other women, the videos and pics I’ve watched on FB, YouTube, all lead me to a point of self denial. A point to where I am no longer the man you once knew. The man you knew, wanted to meet, pursued, and then eventually fell in love with disappeared. He became something, or really someone who was lurking underneath the bright smile you knew. A shithead of a man, who knew nothing more than fleeting desires, and laziness. While still in the relationship, I moved in a direction that even to this day I am surprised at not only how I did things, but ever further surprised at why you even stayed with me.
My heart was in the right place in the beginning, and the story began to follow the path of good times, and love. Then things changed. Things changed for the worse. I changed. I began to lose sight of who I was in this relationship. I carried on the persona of a man who was is in desperate need of a family, and loved ones. When all I was really, was just beginning to struggle with my inner demons. Family, friends, all began to dwindle away to the point of non-existence. People who I used to hang out with pulled back from my presence. Family who I knew all my life, wanted to question my way of thinking, my motives, my want for a particular person in my life. And all the while I just stood there. I gingerly grabbed what I had and ran. Ran away with the one who I said I loved. Ran away to the new family who would be there for me in the future. Ran away and once again continued to tuck away my true feelings of animosity, anguish, and confusion. I continued to push and pack away my thoughts of regret, and sadness into the storage place in my mind, where all the unwanted things go.
That place, that storage place, that nook, was now over flowing. It was to the point of breaking, and spilling out all of its contents. Good, bad and ugly. Unwanted truths, fearful doubts, things that would qualify me for mental help. All of these things began to surface in unimaginable ways. All of those times where I was rude, foolish, selfish, unyielding, uncooperative, and just plain old stupid, came from that place. I lived a life of lies. I knew in my mind that I would lose everything that was worth having. Stability. Love. Respect. Truthfulness. Peace of mind.
These things were not to be had easily. I under estimated it all. I wasn’t ready for the family. I wasn’t ready for love. I wasn’t even ready for the relationship portion of it all. I jumped without knowing where I was going to land. My choices in the past have been lack luster to say the least, and have put me in a spot where I didn’t want to be. I know I am faced with losing it all. To some it would be a saving grace to be banished to wherever the wind takes you. Others would make strides to not even be in this predicament. And there’s me who loves his family, but has done everything to show that I don’t. I love my daughter, so much that I would gladly die for her to live. I have a son that is not by birth legally mine, but I want him to grow up to be better man than what I’ve portrayed to him. And there’s the woman who has been the base of it all.
The woman who has put up with me, and my bullshit way to long. She has been my foundation, since my grandmother died, and what sucks is that I never told her. I never told her how much she means to me. I never expressed my love for her in a way other than touch, or tantalization. I desired, lusted for her on many occasions, but I did not love her enough. This woman has gone to battle for me, and with me on way too many occasions. Times where no partner should step in to even be remotely involved. I remember those times, and I stopped loving her for it. I looked past it, instead of at it. My mind began to wander onto things that would eventually find me where I am now. Alone. I had a woman who is smart, sexy, vivacious, endearing, loving, determined, and overall an outstanding mother. I had that woman. I had her in my hands, and I let her love slip away like rain off of a roof top. I had her, and I lost her, and at this point I’m not sure if she’ll ever come back to me. This isn’t a story for pity, more so a story of truth, and how I lost the greatest prize I’ve ever known.
So as I sit here on this rainy day, letting the sadness of the clouds pour over me, the inspiration of truth finds its way into my mind. I wonder if I can live up to what I’ve been telling her all these years. I want to be a better person than what I have been. I need to be the person who is loved, trusted, and believed. I miss being with someone who is happy, and doesn’t mind me being around. I love my family, and I love Diane.